Just to add to the context, my bf is a foreigner and I’m Vietnamese. We met through dating app in Vietnam. It’s common here to consider a Tay ‘fuckboy’ who wants to sleep with as many women (in his case, shemale also) as possible. He is, on the other hand, stated it quite clearly from the beginning he wanted an open/ poly relationship because I were about to leave the country in a few months and he’d just got out of a long term relationship (5 years) when we first met in Feb.
Long story short, we stepped into the relationship because we just clicked so well emotionally and physically. He agreed to commit to me until I leave and our exclusivity, even if it’s only temp, was one of the most important things that made our love so special to me because I know that agreeing to commit means doing something against who he’s really is because he’s afraid to lose me. That would raise a question to me: Do I really love him for who he is (with all the unique qualities about him) or do I love the concept of a relationship with him only being loyal to me?
Recently, I understand 1 crucial thing after asking him why he wants to be poly: it’s from his sexual orientation from a long time ago after years of years finding his kinkiness and effort to accept who he really is.
If the poly person is poly by sexual orientation, it is no more realistic to expect them to be thrilled with monogamy than it is to expect a lesbian to be excited about being married to a man. Conversely, monogamy can also be a sexual orientation, and mono-leaning folks should not be shamed or badgered into polyamory against their wishes. Badgering leads to false consent and, very soon after, relationship meltdown.
Elisabeth A. Sheff Ph.D., CSE
Do I really love him for who he is or do I love the concept of a relationship with him being only loyal to me?
So, I don’t know. I obviously value him as he is very much. He is intelligent in a mean and arrogant way. He’s a straightforward and knowledgeable outsider which doesn’t want to be mainstream or common, and I find him attractive the way he is. But a person becomes special to me above all when there can be established a deep, shared connection I couldn’t find elsewhere. I have one heart to give out as a whole. Being able to trust that my partner will cherish the one heart I have and choose to give him is what love is to me. And I want to be loved in the same way. Clearly and sadly, he doesn’t think the same way as I do.
“To me grabbing a cock and holding hands are 2 completely different things“
This is what he told me which can describe exactly his idea about poly.
To him, sexual and emotional connection are different. However, to me both sexual and emotional exclusivity are important, but if I had to choose, then clearly emotional is more important. But sexual is just as important, so I don’t want a scenario where I need to say which. Knowing all of this is the key to feeling secure in my relationship. BUT. Let’s count how many times he talked about how attracted he ALWAYS is to a special female friend that he has; about how he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend; and how big of a crush he has with a Hanoian woman and tons of times he was swiping Tinder in front of me and complimenting how big their booties/ boobs are, etc
And he always tells me that I’m too jealous and insecure :).
Possession can be beautiful too, u think?. It means you give yourself to one person worth giving your love to. Perhaps the difference between mono and poly is that mono has one heart to give and polys have multiple or infinite. I have one. That’s all I have to give and all I want back. I want a whole, not one part.
I don’t think he knows what he wants to gain and what he can give when he’s a poly, I mean either if he wants to have multiple sex partners or to provide intimacy to multiple romantic partners.
It’s just too frustrating, u know? …
“Becoming polyamorous saved their relationship/marriage from breaking up/divorce”
My bf used to sleep with a wife in a cuckold marriage. The husband was the one who linked them up. My bf loves the idea so much. And if my memory is correct, their marriage became open because they wanted to save to marriage/ to spice it up.
I believe becoming poly to avoid breaking up/ divorce works only extremely rarely (in their case, maybe it works) and far more often. the relationship self-destructs more spectacularly than it may otherwise. Because polyamory is so intense emotionally and requires such concentrated, compassionate communication. And I don’t see the point of becoming poly if people are in a stable relationship that are not experiencing significant conflict. On the other hand, for those in high-conflict relationships, becoming polyamorous to save a relationship works about as well as having a baby to save a marriage—abysmally, don’t u think?
After all, what do I understand about poly as a monogamous gf?
These are all collected from a comment on Reddit. This has answered so many of my own thoughts and questions about polyamory:
- A lot of being poly is about wanting to love and to share the love (and nothing to do with the individual person) => I understand that it is NOT about me that he wants poly. It’s about who he is.
- I used to have the feeling that if we were maybe better suited for each other, he wouldn’t have this desire to look outside of our relationship. => that is not how it works. Even if I was perfectly suited for him but his heart keeps demanding to love more and more. And that never changed (and I feel it never will). That is just who he is.
- I would be happy for him to have someone that he could connect with in a way that I can’t. If that could be achieved within the boundaries of a regular friendship, that would just be a supplement to our relationship and I would be all for it => To people like him, it is NOT about finding “the right one”. This world has 7 billion people and he said that he didn’t believe there would be just one person “right” for him or anyone. Just people who may be very compatible and with whom one could build amazing loving relationships. I am, in that sense, might be very right for him! But others could be as well, for different reasons. And he’s not looking for someone “better”. No “replacement” would ever exist.
And, besides that, if someone wanted to have me exclusively, taking my love for her, and the possibility to love others, away from me, they would automatically not be right for me – the same goes for her
a Reddit commentator
All that said, my feelings are of course totally valid. It’s just something different to what I have been perceiving and P, (I keep repeating to myself) “there’s no “right” or “wrong” there”. And COMMUNICATE FIRST. Figure out exactly how he feels about each of those things and the possible extent of your incompatibilities, possible middle grounds, etc. Then, there may come a difficult decision.
Some last thought …
Maybe it is better not to agree to non-monogamy, just to be with someone, if you don’t feel like doing it for your own reasons. It might end up in a very painful heartbreak. That said, if you want to try it for yourself, there are ways and resources for learning how to deal better with new and challenging situations (jealousy, logistics, etc) that may come about and for which our culture normally does not prepare us in any way. But I believe they will “work” only if you want it for yourself.
Jamovienerd 